"I, Fouad Ajami, Majid Khadduri Professor of Middle Eastern

Studies, Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies,

Johns Hopkins University, do solemnly swear that David Shuster,

pinchhitting for Chris Matthews on Hardball, did, with malice

aforethought, throw a slider into my private parts that did,

in effect, unsex me before the world, especially in front of

my neoconservative friends and allies. Therefore, I demand that

Tweetie be returned to the airwaves ASAP, at least by the time I

re-establish my manhood and stop sounding like the late Beverly

Sills singing to the Muppets."