“God has spoken to me,” Tom DeLay says. “I listen to God, and what

I’ve heard is that I’m supposed to devote myself to rebuilding the

conservative base of the Republican Party before every living thing

is destroyed by the Great Democratic Flood.”

Having deleted some of his own posts and all comments from

unfriendly readers, Tom DeLay was charged today with

blog laundering.

Former Home of Republican Sugar Daddy,

Tom 'Carry Me Back to Old Virginny' DeLay

"Since my former buddy Tony Scalia refused to do it, I will take

the actions necessary to remove my name from the Texas ballot,

including, but not limited to, using Liquid Paper, Fruit Slice

Erasers, Felt Chalkboard Erasers, Bristle Whiteboard Erasers,

Wite-Out Correction Tape, and U. S. Marshall John 'The Eraser' Kruger."

When Tom DeLay wears a suit and tie,

he looks like this.

When he doesn't, he looks like this.

When Tom DeLay wears a suit and tie,

he looks like this.

When he doesn't, he looks like this.

Tom DeLay's downfall has been traced

to the day he got carried away and said,

"Sieg Heil, Orkin Man!"

Nick Lampson, Democratic candidate for the House

seat vacated by Tom DeLay, tried to hold a press

conference today. Instead, he was mobbed by the

cast and crew of the new straight-to-video comedy,

Goon Squad.

When God's Hammer reached the Pearly Gates,

St. Peter said: "Come in without DeLay."

Remember how you jumped when that

monster popped out of the guy's chest in Alien?

Well, inside David Wallace is another Tom

DeLay that can hardly wait to get out.

In Tom DeLay, Tony Rudy found the

perfect boss: he pays you well and

is never nosy about what you do.

"Am I Tom DeLay? No. He's just a figment

of Jack Abramoff's lurid imagination.

Do I look like Tom DeLay? No.

That's just a bunch of DC gossip."

After receiving the 'Spirit of Honest Graft' award

from the U. S. Chamber of Commerce,

Tom DeLay took a moment to mug for the camera.

Then his Mama said,

"Night night, Tom.

Sleep tight

and don't let the bugs bite."