"And if I'm elected President, all illegal immigrants will be

deported, all people with AIDS will be quarantined, all

homosexuals will be exiled to Ganymede, the Constitution will

be replaced by God's Will, everybody will be required to keep

and bear arms, a squirrel will be in every popcorn popper,

and the Confederate flag will fly over everything.

Come, Lord Jesus!"

“The inmates at Guantanamo are getting a whole lot

better treatment than students at Southwestern Baptist

Theological Seminary. In fact, I hope they don’t see how

nice it is down there, because they’ll all want to transfer

to Guantanamo."

And then iGod said, "Let there be iPods."

"Remember, America, God has chosen us to be a peculiar

people. And the most peculiar thing you can do in 2008

is to put me in the White House!"

Mike Huckabee Cites Osama Bin Laden As

Proof of the Mormon Belief That

Jesus and the Devil Are Brothers

"Isn't it amazing how I was able to explain my faith

by uttering the word, 'Mormon', only once? We in

the Inner Circle understand this. Those of you in

the Outer Circle don't."

"O Mighty One, when I am empty,

please dispose of me properly."

"Call me lazy, and I'll call you another victim

of the Puritan work ethic."

Divine Wind Turbans

The Malay boy could tell you were staring at him.

Giant Jack Mounted Atop St. John's Church in Baghdad;

Gigantic Red Rubber Ball to Be Installed Next

"Yes, brethren, General Petraeus made it to #2 on

the Daily Telegraph's list of the Most Influential

Conservatives in America because he understands

the power of prayer."

Mogadishu Disciples of Harry Potter Performing

Occult Tire-Burning Ritual

If God delivered Donnie McClurkin from homosexuality,

who will deliver Barack Obama from Donnie McClurkin?

Spontaneous Papal Combustion

If someone tells you the Earth isn't inhabited by aliens

from Outer Space, don't believe it. Here's all the proof you

need: the annual procession through the streets of Lima, Peru,

marking the anniversary of the earthquake back in the 1700s

that destroyed Lima but left a painting of the Purple Christ intact.

Turkey's leaders--Tayyip, Hayati, Kursad, and Zafer--

vote unanimously to change their names to Peter,

Andrew, James, and John.

"So you never graduated from medical school, eh? I guess

that explains why you called this a faith-based operation."

Why There Are Atheists

Ultra-Orthodox Jew Hypnotizing a Citron