"Yes, Mr. President, among my many qualifications to be

head of the Department of Homeland Security is my ability

to foresee the future. For example, if you look really hard, you

can see that I'll be indicted by a federal grand jury on bribery

and tax evasion charges on Friday, November 8, 2007."

"Is al-Qaida weaker or stronger than it was on September

11, 2001?" asks Frances Townsend, Assistant to the President

for Homeland Security. "It's weaker if the talking point is how

President Bush is leading us to victory in the war on terror.

It's stronger if the talking point is why criticism of President

Bush makes us more susceptible to terrorist attack."

"It turns out my gut feeling about an al-Qaida attack

this summer was nothing more than a flashback to the

day my proctologist said, 'Bend over, Mike, this may

hurt just a little bit'."

"Wouldn't you agree, Secretary Chertoff, that all the unfilled

positions in the Department of Homeland Security means

you're doing a lot more nothing for a lot less money?"

"This is a Heckler & Koch .40 Caliber P2000 USP. The

Department of Homeland Security has purchased

over $26 million worth of these suckers. You know

that USP is short for Universelle Selbstladepistole,

don't you?"

"The Dubai ports deal has the support of

17% of the American people.

That's the biggest mandate since I

whipped Gore's ass in the 2000 election."

Deputy Defense Secretary Gordon

 England Defends Dubai Deal,

Strokes Chin

Don't Fuck with Skeletor!