Are you looking for a President who will protect you from

terrorists, or a President who will take action to help

prevent polar bears from becoming extinct in the Arctic?

It's time to make up your mind.

What Happened to the Government's Case Against the Holy

Land Foundation After Allah's Mighty Wind Blew into Town

Pentagon Unveils Newest Weapon in the

Global War on Terror: the Trojan Cock

"Well, even if these guys were terrorists, they'd be

welcome to follow me home anyday."

Elmer Fudd Says Wascal Wabbit Plotting Fwesh Attacks on

the United States Aimed at Sowing Death and Destwuction

Mitt Romney Threatens to Kick Terrorist Butt on the Slopes;

Winter Tourism in the Rockies May Suffer

Hillary Clinton Acting Out How a New Terrorist

Attack Would Benefit the GOP

"It turns out my gut feeling about an al-Qaida attack

this summer was nothing more than a flashback to the

day my proctologist said, 'Bend over, Mike, this may

hurt just a little bit'."

A dogma is a man's best friend.

"If I had been one of their patients, I would sure hope

they were better doctors than they were terrorists."

Iraqi Soldier Finds Teletubby Terrorist

Behind Door #3

The FBI has foiled a terrorist plot to shave off the polychromatic

beard of a friend of New York fashion designer Apollo Braun. Such

an attack, experts say, would have crippled America's economy,

particularly the hair coloring industry. In the wake of the thwarted

plot, a CNN online poll is already asking Americans, "Would the

destruction of such a colorful beard by terrorists have as much

emotional impact as 9/11?"

Terror is a prison.

"Not only that, Chris, but if you've seen Last Best Chance, you

know I have experience playing a President who combats

terrorism. Not even Ronald Reagan could say that when

he ran for President."

Honeybee Being Trained to Sniff Out the Latest

Terror Weapon, Exploding Q-Tips

9/11 Mastermind Admits He Lacks Masterbody

"The Al-Qaida strategy is based on the notion that they can

break the will of the American people. They know they can't

beat us in a stand-up fight. But they do believe ... that they can,

in fact, force us to change our policy if they just kill enough

Americans, create enough havoc out there. Well, they'll never

kill enough Americans or create enough havoc to break my will.

I'm not called 'Big Swinging Dick' for nothing!"

For a moment, the President thought he had finally eluded

his relentless pursuers. But that’s when Augie Doggie and

Doggie Daddy ran onto the White House lawn and tripped

up the world’s most resolute opponent of Hanna Barbera,

the master terrorist thought to be hiding in a cave somewhere

in the Cartoon Network.

Instigators of Boston Pee Party to Star in

Dumberer and Dumberest: When Sean Met Peter

Freeper Air Force Reaction to Boston Terrorist Threat