Convicted Perjurer Drops Appeal; Says Commutation

of Sentence Not Enough, Wants Pardon and Medal

of Freedom

"Yes, I reluctantly concluded that the jury had reached

a reasonable verdict: the evidence was strong that Libby

testified falsely about his role in the leak. That's when

the President said, 'Say no more, Fred. Scooter skates

scot-free soon!'"

After spending only three weeks in the Bush Bubble Simulator,

Astronaut Brent Jett (1) spoke like Tony Snow, (2) ordered a

second invasion of Iraq, (3) appointed Scooter Libby to lead

the National Task Force on Mnemonic Devices, and (4)

believed Dick Cheney is the Vice President of the

United States.

“As to the future, I rule nothing in or nothing out.

I just RULE!"

District Attorney Arthur Branch Condemns Commutation of

Scooter Libby's Sentence; Strongly Criticizes Fred Thompson

for Praising President Bush's Decision

The Wall Street Journal's Dorothy Rabinowitz and her dog

Simon salivated profusely when the President announced his

decision to commute Scooter Libby's sentence.

President Bush Commutes Libby's Sentence;

Tells Rule of Law to "Get Fucked!"

"You need to speak to whom? 28301-016? Oh,

he's right here. Hold just a moment, and I'll

put him on."

"Scooter who?"

Of all the 150 'love letters' his friends sent to Judge Walton,

the one signed by Mary Matalin and James Carville brought

the biggest smile to Scooter's face.

After showing up at the Scooter Libby trial on crutches,

Tim Russert said, "This is the third most humbling day

in my life. The second was in 2005, when it was revealed

I recycle my commencement addresses. The first was in 1985,

when I was granted a private audience with the Holy Father

and he kept calling me 'Little Big Russ'."

Scooter Libby Now Says He First Heard of His Conviction

on Four Out of Five Counts from Tim Russert

"What I see in the conviction of Scooter Libby is an affirmation

of Iraq, where things are going pretty well."

"And I’ve got to say, even if Libby's convicted — and he may

not be — but even if he is convicted, would any judge send to

prison a guy named Scooter? He wouldn’t last 48 hours. I

know, because I'm a former Harvard University Institute of

Politics fellow named Roger and I wouldn't last 24."

"I mean, there’s no underlying crime here that anyone has

been indicted for. This is just a show trial, just like in the

days of Stalin. By the way, did you know that the Russian

dictator's real name was Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili,

and that my real name is Roger Sumbitch Crockashit?"

"Once again, we have a prosecutor who can’t get an indictment

for the real crime — leaking the identity of a CIA agent. So he

goes instead for the crime of, well, people didn’t tell him the

complete truth when they talked to him." Thus is suggested

a new definition of a 'lie': it's an 'incomplete truth'.

Commenting on the Libby trial, Roger Simon says,

"I also have to say this is a nutty trial that

nobody except the people involved in it and the

people covering it care about. And, no, I'm not

the Simon who met a pieman going to the fair."

After testifying in the Scooter Libby trial, Tim Russert

has decided that waterboarding is the only method that

might work to get anyone from the Bush Administration

to tell the truth on Meet the Press.

"Patrick Fitzgerald must've been pretty big to cut Scooter

Libby off at the knees like that."

What Judith Miller at first claimed was a WMD she found in

Iraq turned out to be nothing more than a venti-sized cup

of Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte she was carrying in her

left hand as she was being escorted into the courtroom to

testify in the trial of Scooter Libby.