A new CNN Poll of Poll's shows that more than 66% of the

American people would rather be waterboarded than watch

Glenn Beck on Headline News.

"If it happens to me, waterboarding is torture.

If it happens to you, Tim, I'd like to watch."

The Two Faces of Lindsey Graham

"The Army Field Manual as a one-stop shop to guide the way we handle lawful combatants and enemy combatants is absolutely necessary if for no other reason than to protect our own troops.... [I]f you want to torture people, the Army Field Manual says no and the President says no. It is now time for Congress to say no."

October 5, 2005

"I think quite frankly applying the Army field manual to the CIA would be ill-advised and would destroy a program that I think is lawful and helps the country."

December 14, 2007

"There has also been a collective failure to recognize the problem

of the abuse of interrogation-enhancing drugs by the CIA."

The Potrzebie Prize #3

President Bush Applauded for Being the Only Senior Official

in Washington with No Knowledge of the CIA Torture Tapes

"Gold tie, diamond-studded cufflinks, manicured nails,

expertly-trimmed beard. You may be a hard-nosed

sonofabitch when it comes to torturing people, Mr. Rizzo,

but you're the most nattily dressed nominee to come before

this Committee in a month of Sundays."

Ratso got all huffy when someone asked if he was

related to John Rizzo, the Acting General Counsel

for the CIA.

"Hey Rizzo, you any kin to Ratso?"

"And then I took those wascal CIA torture tapes

and cwushed them in my bare hands!"

Hairy Reed Profoundly Disturbed by Statements Judge Michael

Mukasey Made Concerning the Legality of the Use of Waterboarding

Man Waterboarded Outside Justice Department for

Demonstrating Against Mukasey Nomination

As another hole was about to be drilled in the

suspected terrorist with a DeWalt DC728KA Cordless,

Lt. General Russel Honoré, "one John Wayne dude,"

was heard to say, "We've got an obligation to do

what the hell we've got to do to make sure we get

the mission done."

"One would have to apply the facts to the law, the law

to the facts, to determine whether any technique,

whatever it happened to be, would cause severe physical

pain or suffering. I'm John Bellinger, State Department

counsel, and I would be browner if I didn't take a stool

softener every day."

In his Saturday radio address, President Bush proposed adding

the sport of waterboarding to the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

Democratic Senators Diane Feinstein and Charles Schumer

said they would have to study the President's proposal before

declaring their position on the issue.

The Senate Judiciary Committee has decided to waterboard

Michael Mukasey, the nominee for Attorney-General. The

rationale for this procedure is simple: if Mr. Mukasey doesn't

scream, beg for mercy, or admit he hates puppies, the Committee

will agree waterboarding is not torture and vote unanimously

to pass his nomination to the Senate floor.

"How much longer before you decide waterboarding

amounts to torture, Mr. Mukasey?"

After repeated waterboardings by the CIA, Boston's David Ortiz

confessed yesterday that he was a fan of the Los Angeles Angels

and that he only hits home runs to show his solidarity with

Al-Qaida.

"Beg pardon, Helen. We don't torture people.

We just torture truth."

After a long night of waterboarding by the President,

Republican hardliners finally confessed they are members

of al-Qaida. But they still refused to vote for his immigration

reform plan.

"After I double the size of Guantanamo, it shall be referred

to thenceforth as Mittmo, not Gitmo."