"If it happens to me, waterboarding is torture.

If it happens to you, Tim, I'd like to watch."

Hairy Reed Profoundly Disturbed by Statements Judge Michael

Mukasey Made Concerning the Legality of the Use of Waterboarding

Man Waterboarded Outside Justice Department for

Demonstrating Against Mukasey Nomination

In his Saturday radio address, President Bush proposed adding

the sport of waterboarding to the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

Democratic Senators Diane Feinstein and Charles Schumer

said they would have to study the President's proposal before

declaring their position on the issue.

The Senate Judiciary Committee has decided to waterboard

Michael Mukasey, the nominee for Attorney-General. The

rationale for this procedure is simple: if Mr. Mukasey doesn't

scream, beg for mercy, or admit he hates puppies, the Committee

will agree waterboarding is not torture and vote unanimously

to pass his nomination to the Senate floor.

"How much longer before you decide waterboarding

amounts to torture, Mr. Mukasey?"

After repeated waterboardings by the CIA, Boston's David Ortiz

confessed yesterday that he was a fan of the Los Angeles Angels

and that he only hits home runs to show his solidarity with

Al-Qaida.

After a long night of waterboarding by the President,

Republican hardliners finally confessed they are members

of al-Qaida. But they still refused to vote for his immigration

reform plan.