"Sure we're scared! We know al-Qaida chicks

when we see them!"

SSSSHHHHHHH ... Don't Tell Anyone: Al Qaeda Has

Been Routed in Baghdad; FBI Now Warns Al Qaeda May

Have Relocated to Shopping Malls in LA, Chicago, Just

in Time for Christmas

After repeated waterboardings by the CIA, Boston's David Ortiz

confessed yesterday that he was a fan of the Los Angeles Angels

and that he only hits home runs to show his solidarity with

Al-Qaida.

Jason Voorhees, Key leader of Al-Qaida in Iraq,

Killed for 13th Time, U.S. General Says

Al-Qaida Sends Cryptic Message to Coincide

with Sixth Anniversary of 9/11

After a long night of waterboarding by the President,

Republican hardliners finally confessed they are members

of al-Qaida. But they still refused to vote for his immigration

reform plan.

"The Al-Qaida strategy is based on the notion that they can

break the will of the American people. They know they can't

beat us in a stand-up fight. But they do believe ... that they can,

in fact, force us to change our policy if they just kill enough

Americans, create enough havoc out there. Well, they'll never

kill enough Americans or create enough havoc to break my will.

I'm not called 'Big Swinging Dick' for nothing!"

You know the main course is going to be sugar-free

cotton candy when you log on to Slate to learn that the

lead article tackles the vexing issue of how the American

people misunderstand the Kentucky Derby. So you decide

to dig deeper into really important issues by clicking on

"Al-Qaida's Funniest Home Videos." But those turn out

to be, when you stop to think about it, almost as funny as

Lou Gehrig's Disease. So what's the point of this online

magazine? There is no point, and that's the point. It's

just a bunch of weisenheimers who get their kicks by

jerking you off.