Dennis Hastert has made his departure from Congress official

by resigning his seat as of 10:59 p. m., just in time for his

11:00 o'clock feeding.

Iraqi Prime Minister Held Hostage, Day 395

Dennis Hastert was very pissed when he realized

that increasing his caloric intake wasn't a viable

solution to the problem of illegal immigration.

Dennis Hastert was very pissed when he realized

that increasing his caloric intake wasn't a viable

solution to the problem of illegal immigration.

Dennis Hastert's Dog Won't Hunt

Dennis Hastert's Dog Won't Hunt

The Buddha was happy to hear that Representative Dennis Hastert

is "in the mix" of a Congressional bribery investigation.

The Buddha was happy to hear that Representative Dennis Hastert

is "in the mix" of a Congressional bribery investigation.

Dennis Hastert's Mouse

Dennis Hastert's Mouse

Dennis Hastert's Cat

Dennis Hastert's Cat

"House Speaker Hastert gets out of a Hydrogen Alternative

Fueled automobile, as he prepares to board his SUV,

which uses gasoline, after holding a news conference at a local

gas station in Washington on Thursday to discuss the

recent rise in gas prices. Hastert and other members of Congress

drove off in the Hydrogen-Fueled cars only to switch to their

official cars to drive the few blocks back to the U.S. Capitol."

What the AP neglects to point out is hydrogen-fueled cars

simply cannot generate enough power to transport someone

as bulky as Dennis Hastert.

Republican leaders Hastert and Frist announced

today that proposed immigration legislation will

not contain a provision to prosecute 11 million

illegal immigrants as felons. Instead, the penalty

will be a 'Needs Improvement' mark in Citizenship

on their report cards.

"I would be willing to grant amnesty to any

illegal immigrant who is no taller than this,

about the size of my waistline."

Arriving by hot-air balloon, Congressman Hastert

is saddened to hear that his attempt to rescue

New Orleans was six months too late.

"Frist and Hastert ought to listen to

what I have to say about this.

'It takes two hands to handle a Whopper'. Period.

And I'll veto any law that says otherwise."