"Push my button once and I will talk.

Push my button twice and I will double talk."

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld testified today that

Pat Tillman's death by friendly fire was an 'unknown known',

i. e., a thing that we didn't know we knew.

Unlike his predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld, who was cold

and arrogant, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is warm

and humble when he says you're a traitor if you don't

support the troops by sending more of them to die in Iraq.

"When you get to Paradise, Saddam, be sure to send

me a postcard. You have my new address, don't you?"

Donald Rumsfeld has been so bad this year

Santa is not even giving him a lump of coal.

At the farewell tribute for Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld,

one thought dominated the President's mind: "So much

brush to clear, so little time."

"You're much larger than I expected, President Talabani.

Secretary Rumsfeld says you look like Rush Limbaugh

without the Oxycontin."

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld and Secretary of

State Rice weren't on speaking terms. That was evident.

But what they didn't know was that they were being

filmed for a TV infomercial about how people can get

rich quick by finding all the loose change hidden in

the average American couch.

Asked if 'proactive news' used to be called 'propaganda',

the Secretary of Defense used pantomime

to convey his answer.

For just $75 million, payable in 3 EasyPay installments,

this face can be plastered on every TV screen in Iran.

And in just 30 days, the U.S. will take a giant step

toward winning the war on terror.

Guaranteed!

So call the number on your screen now. Operators are standing by.

But wait! There's more!

Would you buy a pre-owned war from this man?