Secretary Gates and General Petraeus Walking

the Green Zone Mile in Baghdad

Four Reasons We Are All Doomed

Debra Cagan, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Subterranean

Affairs to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, shocked the British

recently when she said, "I hate all Muranians."

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates asked Congress Wednesday to

approve nearly $190 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan

in 2008, increasing initial projections by more than a third."

Profiles in Militarism

Night of the Living Dead

"When the Chinese hacked into your computer, Secretary Gates,

did they shanghai any of your downloads from Danni's Hard Drive?"

"'I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high;Will you rest upon my little bed?' said the Spider to the Fly."

Robert Gates and His Better Angel

Secretary Gates electrified the audience with his

'so far, so good' expression.

Code Pinko Slows Pace and Crashes Gates

Unlike his predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld, who was cold

and arrogant, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is warm

and humble when he says you're a traitor if you don't

support the troops by sending more of them to die in Iraq.

"As we all know, the Iraqi insurgents are very timid,

so we mustn't do anything to embolden them, such

as refusing to send in more troops."

"I would confess I'm no expert on Iraq and no expert on

military matters. That's why President Bush picked me

to be Secretary of Defense. All he asked me was, 'How

many Aggies does it take to fuck up a baked potato?'

And I told him, 'Mr. President, I honestly don't know

because I have never baked a potato in my life.' That's

when he said, 'Bobby Boy, you're hired'!"

At first they were cheered as the Fantastic Four:

George Bush as Mr. Fantastic, Condi Rice as the

Invisible Woman, Bob Gates as the Human Torch,

and Dick Cheney as the Thing. Now they're booed

as the Futile Four.

"If I may mix my avian metaphors, Mr. President, General

Pace and I agree you're a lame duck chickenhawk whose

goose is cooked."

"Do you, Robert Gates, solemnly swear to never take an

oath while your left hand is resting on the Koran?"

"I do."