Secretary Gates and General Petraeus Walking

the Green Zone Mile in Baghdad

"Yes, brethren, General Petraeus made it to #2 on

the Daily Telegraph's list of the Most Influential

Conservatives in America because he understands

the power of prayer."

Fake, Apolitical Steven Boylan

Real, Politicized Steven Boylan

Be careful how you look at this picture of Col.

Steven A. Boylan, the Public Affairs Officer and

personal spokesman for Gen. David G. Petraeus.

If you look at it the right way, Steven is smiling and

offering you exclusive access to insider information.

If you look at it the wrong way, he is frowning and

denying it's his picture. Just ask Glenn Greenwald.

The brouhaha over 'General Betray Us' has revealed,

once again, the power uniforms have over our superstitious

minds. Whether it is the stars and fruit salad on a general's

jacket, the clerical collar of a divine, or the white coat of a physician,

we respond to these costumes with something akin to religious awe.

One cannot imagine the Supreme Being naked. One can only imagine

Him wearing some sort of uniform.

Senate Votes to Change Name of Group

from MoveOn.org to ShoveOff.org

"You'll be happy to know, General Petraeus, that the Senate

will vote 72-25 to condemn this outrageous ad from MoveOn

which appeared in The New York Times. Soon after, that

august body will vote unanimously to put you on the fasttrack

to sainthood."

"You don't know this, but a week from now the Pentagon

will release a report contradicting every claim I'm

making today about progress in Iraq. How do I know

this and you don't? Well, that's for me to know and you

to find out, suckers!"

Mr. USA had finally gotten his fill of the

Petraeus and Crocker Show.

"Think of it this way, Senators. What if ten American soldiers

had died in Iraq while I've been testifying here in Washington?

Well, ten didn't; only six did. I think you'd have to agree that's

real, measurable progress."

"No, Congressman, Ambassador Crocker isn't grieving over

3,774 American soldiers killed in Iraq. He is just trying to

get over the fact that Halliburton's stock is still 35 percent

below its high of $54.69 on Sept. 6, 2000, just weeks after

Dick Cheney left his post as CEO to campaign to become the

nation's Vice President."

“The despicable attack MoveOn.org launched against Saint

Petraeus today should be condemned by all Members of Congress,

including the Democratic leadership. I urge Members on both

sides of the aisle to join in support of this resolution so the House

speaks with one voice rejecting the truth-telling tactics

employed by this group which represents what a majority

of the American people believe.”

For years, Bunky had been struggling to escape

from the Iraq Quagmire. But when he heard

the testimony of General Petraeus,

he figured he may as well lie back and enjoy it.

During General Petraeus' testimony before Congress,

the Bullshit Meter went off the scale.

"Mr. President, I really enjoyed reading my report

the White House has written for me."

Contrary to popular belief, General Petraeus does

not use his halo as a reading light.

"That's Petraeus, Senator, not Betraeus."

Textual critics have determined that The Gospel

According to Petraeus was actually written by an

anonymous White House scribe.

Recently-Declassified Photograph #5

Plan B, General Petraeus' Dog

"Pardon me for saying so, Mr. Vice President, but your

outfit makes you look an awful lot like The Penguin."