"I'm gonna wash that Mitt right outta my hair!"

The Lion in Winter

Even as a young man, Chris Matthews had the crooked

grin of Two-Face. His future career as a media pundit

was assured.

The one thing the matador didn't count on was

the bull's deflector shield.

"When Ms. Coulter arrives, the first thing she'll do is

ask you to forget Andrew Stein, her ex-boyfriend. Say

that you have. Then she will tell you her father is now

in heaven with Joe McCarthy. Congratulate her for

having such a right-thinking old man. But when she

asks you to remove one of your purple gloves and

fondle her balls, don't do it. The last guy who did is

still wandering in the Empty Doom."

Pope Benedict Holding Private Audience

with Roger the Shrubber

Sarko the Giant Robbed of Precious Bodily Fluids;

Carla Bruni Rumored to Be Prime Suspect

Republican Willard 'Mitt' Romney said Wednesday that

if elected President he and his wife will not embarrass the

nation by their conduct in the White House as happened in

the Clinton years. "There could be, however, a few

more rats running around, " he added.

Things to Avoid #13

Rickshaw Pullers Who Enjoy Singing in the Rain

"The Clutching Hand says 'Our most basic

civil liberty is the right to be kept alive'."

"I agree!"

"So do I!"

"Me, too!"

"It definitely has the ring of truth!"

"Absolutely!"

"Yeah, it's even more soul-stirring than 'Better Red Than Dead'!"

"Sorry, guys, but I'm so moved I'm about to shed

my first crocodile tear!"

Erik the Viking Explaining Why Roger Ebert Was Unjustified

in Giving Blackwater: the Movie a 'Zero Stars' Review

If you're like Fearguth, there are only so many

clicks left in you before you start making your

Bucket List. So why in the hell do we have to

waste them on 'read more...' buttons?

"'Mitt' is the name I'll use when I run for President,

little one. 'Willard' would scare them off."

Borat After Hearing Pamela Anderson Has

Filed for Divorce from Her Third Husband

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to

Go Back in the Water

The Day the Mummy Got Drafted

"My first two acts as President will be to get the US

out of the UN and to appoint Chuck Norris as our

ambassador to the World Combat League."

"My conjecture is, Dr. Watson, that my genius for

disguise may have finally gotten the better of me."

The descendants of Barney Rubble had seen their fortunes

go steadily downhill ever since the heyday of Bedrock.

Veepenstein #20

Baron's Reanimation Experiment Stirs Controversy