"Yeah, Josh, the fortune-telling function of my Blackberry

says the Senate Judiciary Committee will vote in December to

hold us in contempt for refusing to testify about the U. S.

attorney purge scandal. Well, it's only August here in

Minneapolis, right after the I-35 bridge collapse. So I

suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it,

assuming, of course, it doesn't collapse, too.

Although Bradley Schlozman resigned from

the Justice Department just last week, he

now claims he doesn't recall doing it.

"Susan Ralston is learning to 'sing'.

Got you booked on the 3:10 to Yuma.

See you soon. Dan Evans."

Just Deserts #1

Kyle Sampson, former chief of staff for Alberto Gonzales,

will spend eternity sitting alone in an empty hearing room.

"What exactly do you do at the White House, Mr. Jennings?"

"If I told you, Senatory Leahy, I would have to kill you."

Thanks to the latest in brain scanning technology,

in the middle distance you can see all that remains

of Attorney General Gonzales' memory.

Harriet Miers' Ass Refuses to Sit in House

Judiciary Committee Chair

"I took an oath. And I take that oath to the

President very seriously. And, no, I can't

remember what I had for breakfast a week ago."

"Do you solemnly swear that you did not spend more

time fixing your hair than you did preparing your

opening statement to this committee?"

"I believe I went through the graduation line at Regent University,

Congressman, but I didn't mean to."

Gloaming for Gonzo?

"What I've learned the hard way," says Paul McNulty, former

Deputy Attorney General, "is that Jesus was wrong. The truth

doesn't make you free; it just gets you into hot water."

"Do I know I received a law degree from Harvard University in 1982?

I think I may be aware of that."

"Standing here at ground zero of the US attorney tornado,

I am happy to report I have weathered the storm."

"The Attorney General has the full confidence of the President,

and he appreciates the work he is doing at the Department of

Justice to help keep our citizens safe from terrorists, our children

safe from predators, our government safe from corruption, and our

streets free from gang violence. Now, if you will, please bend over,

stick your head between your legs, and kiss your ass good-bye."

"Is it true, Mr. Gonzales, that the 'Hon.' in front

of your name is an abbreviation for 'Hon Boobkin'?"

"I don't recall if I've had a memory transplant. But if I

did, in my mind it probably didn't work."

Missing White House E-Mails Found Inside Full Monty Python

Monica Goodling had been warned against drinking the

Koolaid. But she was confident her Ralph Lauren Tee would

counteract any adverse side effects.

Kyle Sampson swore he was beginning to see

right through Alberto Gonzales.