"Me, the 'Filipino Monkey'? Get real! I wouldn't know

the difference between the Straight of Hormuz and

the Gay of Bangkok!"

Pollsters now say they got the outcome of the New Hampshire

primary so wrong because the voting behavior of ring-tailed

lemurs on Election Day was impossible to predict.

Fearguth's Rules of Order #5

Wait until a monkey finishes its popsicle before

asking for an autograph.

"OK, it's a deal: I won't say you're 'squirrelly' and you

won't call me 'water hog'."

Fearguth's Rules of Order #4

Don't tip a monkey that licks the platter clean.

It's not a big secret: monkeys cross the road for pretty

much the same reason chickens do.

Things to Avoid #12

Lemur on a Leaf

Fearguth's Rules of Order #3

Always mute your iPod when approaching

a monkey on a rope eating watermelon.

Fearguth's Rules of Order #2

Always insist that the monkey gives your ball back.

Fearguth's Rules of Order #1

Don't do business with a monkey

that eats pasta.

Phony Rush

Real Rush

Things to Avoid #8

Bullrider Monkeys

Things to Avoid #6

A Monkey on Coke

Bill Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard, is older

than he looks. He just has what is called a 'baby face'.

"You'd better have the vet check your Musculus

orbicularis oris, dear. You're definitely developing

a smirk just like George Bush's."

"Yes, I suppose we could elevate the level of

political discourse if we really wanted to. But,

if I may speak frankly, it wouldn't be nearly as

much fun as hanging out and beating our

enemies to a bloody pulp."

If you knew what the squirrel monkey knows,

you'd hug your fuzzy ducky, too.

"Quite honestly, I've received better treatment as a

monkey than the treatment received by most

human beings. So, changing my legal status from

'animal' to 'person' is probably not in my best interest.

Better a chimp than a chump, I always say."

"Caine, do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?"

"No, Master Po, but I do hear the one in the mouth of the monkey."

"I sure could use some of that melon, Mama."