The soldier's ears were gradually sliding off his head,

and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

A ДВАДЦАТЬ of Putins

As President of Russia, Vladimir Putin never quite

got the hang of headphones. As Prime Minister,

he will have a second chance.

"Yeah, Sergei, I know the box I'm carrying is full

of ballots. But I sometimes think Russia simply

gets too much snow to be a democracy. Democracy,

you know, was invented in Athens, and it doesn't

snow there but once in a blue moon."

Drudgery Report #2

Being a judge in Moscow's Miss Fatty Contest

would be drudgery.

"If, as you say, Catherine the Great hasn't been

seen since 1796, wouldn't you agree you're a bit

tardy in filing a missing person report?"

Czar Putin Proud of His Pecs and His Rod

Insiders say Russian Ultra-Nationalists wear masks because

they really can't stand the sight of each other.

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"Yoohoo! Did one of you shitasses drop a baby wipe?"

Russia has developed a new 'vacuum bomb' that

reportedly sucks harder than the Oreck XL Ultra.

Godzilla Forgets to Pack Rubber Suit for Moscow Vacation

"I can't believe those dumbass Rooskies! Have you heard

they planted their flag under the friggin' North Pole?

Don't they know it's way too cold for anything to grow

down there?"

Russian Doctors Baffled by 'Vladivostok Syndrome'

"I don't mean to be disrespectful, officer, but your side

headlock technique is pretty amateurish."

Aidan Gallery Patron Ponders 'Help Me, I'm Cheneyed'

Andrei Lugovoi claims he has documentary proof James Bond,

disguised as Sean Connery, murdered Alexander Litvenenko, disguised

as Robert Shaw (who was disguised as Red Grant), during the filming

of From Russia, with Love, and that the tell-tale scene was edited

by co-conspirators from the British Secret Intelligence Service,

Boris Berezovsky, and the Russian mafia to make it look like he did it.

"I wuz fictitiously framed!" he vehemently maintains.

"You're absolutely right, comrade! The leg bone is connected to

the knee bone, the knee bone is connected to the thigh bone,

and the thigh bone is connected to the hip bone. Never before

in all my years in the Russian army have I seen such an intricate

piece of machinery!"

Andrei Lugovoi, the Russian businessman accused of

poisoning Alexander Litvenenko, was arrested

yesterday by the Moscow Fashion Police for wearing "a

suit that brings the entire Motherland into disrepute."

"Change the water every two days, Madame Secretary,

don't just top it off. This is the single most effective thing

you can do to keep your flowers looking fresh."