Noah hadn't warned the Ironman Triathletes, so

the Great Flood caught them completely by surprise.

There are days when even 'the still small voice' is way too loud.

The Unexpurgated Bible #8

"There were dinosaurs in the earth in those days; and

we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we

were in their sight."

The Unexpurgated Bible #7

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night;

in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great

noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat,

the earth also and the works that are therein shall be

burned up. But many bloggers won't notice it, for they

will have taken the weekend off."

The Unexpurgated Bible #6

"And Schwarzenegger looked, and, behold, the bush burnedwith fire, and it was not consumed. So he sued the bush forexcessive carbon dioxide emissions."

"When I said I saw my father marching with Martin Luther

 King, I was speaking figuratively. It would be like if I

said right now I'm Samson slaying all you Philistines with

the jawbone of an ass."

The Unexpurgated Bible #5

"And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out

Jonah upon the dry land. And then he wrote a book."

"Remember, America, God has chosen us to be a peculiar

people. And the most peculiar thing you can do in 2008

is to put me in the White House!"

Rip Van Winkle awakened after a 4,000-year nap only to

discover people in the Middle East were still killing each other.

He is now trying to go back to sleep, so far unsuccessfully.

Jesus said: "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into

thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to

thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which

seeth in secret shall reward thee openly." So where's

this guy's closet?

"No, no, George, I did not turn Lott's wife into a pillar

of salt. I turned her into Dickie Scrugg's sister-in-law."

Robertson the Prophet Anointing Rudy the Ruddy with

WD-40 from the Horn of the Thin-Soled Kow Kow

In a surprise move, the Creator of Heaven and Earth

today awarded the Golden Wingnut Award to all

descendants of Adam and Eve. "OK, so I fucked up

when I made man and woman in my own image,"

the Creator said. "That's what happens when you

start believing you're God."

Richard Curtis, a Washington state Republican representative,

has resigned after it was revealed he wore women's lingerie at a

Spokane Valley porn shop and offered to pay a 26-year-old male

gay porn model he met there $1,000 for unprotected sex.

In honor of the occasion of his resignation, a new law, Curtis'

Law, has been formulated, which states, "The more vociferously

a Republican lawmaker condemns homosexuality, the more likely

he has to pay somebody to pave the streets of Sodom."

"Do you believe in the divinity and authority of the Five Books

of Moses, the first five books of the Bible, known as the Torah?

I do, and that belief has turned me, Dennis Prager, into a

religious bigot. And it can do the same for you!"

Jonah and the Whale