In Tom DeLay, Tony Rudy found the

perfect boss: he pays you well and

is never nosy about what you do.

Commenting on Colin Powell's infamous

multimedia presentation at the UN, Richard

Cohen said in 2003: "Only a fool--or

possibly a Frenchman--could conclude"

that Iraq didn't have WMDs. Commenting on

the very same presentation in 2006, Mr.

Cohen says: "Almost none of it is true."

Which Cohen should we believe?

A flaw in Google's search algorithm

was discovered today when someone

searching for 'Tony Rudy' turned up

this image on Howard Kaloogian's website.

Before it was unmasked as a bit of Photoshop

fakery, some people thought this was a picture

of Chang and Eng Bunker after they conjoined

the Republican Party.

"Did you know, Justice O'Connor, that the

original title of Whistler's Mother was

A Study in Black in White?"

Secretary of State Rice realized too

late she shouldn't have criticized

the British for using bad grammar.

If it takes three ICE Police to nab two illegal

immigrants and there are 12,000,000 of them,

then we'll need to hire 18,000,000 more cops.

Tonight on TV Land, Howard Kaloogian

stars in 'Howdy Doody and the Search for

the Bamboozle Box'.

Justice Thomas is really hacked that

Nino has dumped him for Sammy.

Exclusive Photo of the U. S. Army's Revolutionary

New Nuclear-Powered Slingshot

Prominent Italian-American Jurist Identified As

Godfather of Lou Costello Crime Family

Scalito

Axis of Weasels: Tancredo+Kaloogian+Morgan

"I would be willing to grant amnesty to any

illegal immigrant who is no taller than this,

about the size of my waistline."

Asked why she is looking so fabulous these days,

First Lady Laura Bush replied she has been lifting

weights for the past four years. "You mustn't forget,"

she added, "George weighs almost 200 pounds

in his underwear."

"Get governing, Iraq! or I'll invade you a second time."

Looking at this picture of Senator Conrad Burns,

something reminds you of what Samuel Johnson

once wrote: "Patriotism is the last refuge of

a scoundrel."

There was a time when George Bush

and Andrew Card were world-class

synchronized walkers. But not anymore.

President Bush is very fond of his new Rococo Revival

Crystal Crown, given to him by the owner of an antebellum

mansion in Natchez, Mississippi.

Looking ahead to 2008, Secretary of State Rice has

reportedly started investing heavily in Glamour Shots.

Which came first?

The Apple or the

Apple Corps?

When President Bush appeared at Congressman

Mike Sodrel's fundraiser in Indianapolis on

Monday, everyone seemed to be happy that

infants were charged only $500 a pound, instead

of the $10,000 a head for adults.

Representative Jean Schmidt has withdrawn

from a debate with her Republican opponent

because she reminds herself too much of

Frau Blücher.

First made famous by the classic Monty Python

sketch, 'Italian Lesson', Bill Napoli, a state

senator from South Dakota, has become even

more famous for his opinion that the

two-month-old mother who had two

abortions would have been tried for murder

had she been born in his state, instead of Pakistan.

Declaring "I'm not going to let

them get away with it," Senator

Lieberman invited his critics

into the ring for 15 rounds of

heavyweight action to be televised

on Nick at Nite.

In 1998, Jacob Weisberg said that

President Clinton had only a 25%

chance of surviving the Lewinsky

scandal. In 2004, he admitted he

was incorrect in backing the invasion

of Iraq. In 2006, he says Kevin Phillips

is wrong about everything. These have

come to be called Weisbergisms.

"To quote the great philosopher Frank

Sinatra, I'm going to lose My Way,

just like I did in 2000 and 2004."

For having said

'vaffanculo' in church, Justice

Scalia has had his duck hunting

license revoked.

President About to Palm Card

"Mr. President, I'm submitting my resignation,

effective April 14, 2006. And, oh, by the way, somebody

just flew a plane into the World Trade Center."

If Mark Levin were a dog, he would

be an American Rat Pinscher.

Republican Leper to Serve

Six-Year Sentence for Wearing

Baseball Cap with Two-Piece Suit

Somewhere in the Empire State Building,

Hugh Hewitt is about to piss his pants for

fear that jihadis have targeted him for obliteration.

"America was founded by explorers and

conquerors, not 'immigrants'," Michael Ledeen

has alleged. Actually, if anybody 'founded' America,

it was Native Americans, like the Mexicans,

and not Mr. Ledeen's ancestors, like Attila the Hun.

Television writer Michael Oates Palmer decided

to take a course in Photoshop so he could learn

how to crop this embarrassing picture taken of

him and Mickey Kaus at the launch of Fishbowl/LA.

This is how Mickey Kaus kept 500,000

demonstrators in Los Angeles last

Saturday from torching his Scion xB.

"And with Howard Kaloogian directing our new

geographic recalibration campaign, we are

confident the U. S. will regain disinformation

superiority in Iraq within the next six months."

Geographers were put on the defensive today

by the discovery that Baghdad is a city

in Turkey, not Iraq, as long believed.

After being sentenced to almost six

years in prison, Jack Abramoff was

quoted as saying, "In the past two years

I have started the process of becoming

a new man." 'New man' is evidently a

euphemism for 'prisoner'.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission's new

'booze patrol' has bar owners, restaurateurs,

and meeting planners worried.

The U. S. Border Patrol has released this picture of

someone who claimed to be Congressman Tom Tancredo

of Colorado. Described as being 'short, fat, and balding',

the suspect was briefly detained before being deported

to Lower Slobovia for wearing such a ridiculous jacket.

The Punjabis roared with laughter when

Prince Charles pulled the 'Snatch the Chair'

prank on the Duchess of Cornwall.

"I describe myself as a democratic revolutionary. I

don't think of myself as 'conservative' at all. I'm actually

to the left of the Left, which today is reactionary

and counterrevolutionary. In other words, when

I say I'm a 'neoconservative', I'm really saying

I'm a 'paleoradical'. People don't call me

'Machiavelli's Ghost' for nothing.

George knew if he fired Karl, he would

have to get a brain implant, but the FDA

hadn't approved that procedure yet.

Free-Range Chickenhawks for Sale

Fresh, Never Frozen

Politicians are getting younger and younger these days.

When the Israeli election returns

came in, Aunt Pamela leaped a

tall building in a single bound and

found herself in the Fresh Kills landfill.

Authorities say that former

Liberian warlord and President,

Charles Taylor, was captured on

the Nigeria/Cameroon border today,

disguised as a Homo sapiens.

As Chairman Bernanke spoke,

the President mused: "Did gravity

cause this guy's hair to slide from

the top of his head to the bottom?"

Described by its inventor as 'a velocipede with

real balls', this revolutionary new machine

is being developed by the U. S. military as an

Osama bin Laden pursue-and-capture vehicle.