Dave Cota is apparently browned off that AJ, his ringnecked parakeet,

is a better golfer and basketball player than he is. Observers are saying

Dave has begun to lick his lips and gaze hungrily at AJ every time it

scores a birdie or nails a slam dunk.

Fun and Games with President Bush

(according to Newsweek's Holly Bailey)

"I would suggest moving back," Bush said as he climbed

into the cab of a massive D-10 tractor. "I'm about to crank this

sucker up." As the engine roared to life, White House staffers

tried to steer the press corps to safety, but when the tractor

lurched forward, they too were forced to scramble for safety.

"Get out of the way!" a news photographer yelled. "I think he

might run us over!" said another. White House aides tried to

herd the reporters the right way without getting run over

themselves. Even the Secret Service got involved, as one agent

began yelling at reporters to get clear of the tractor. Watching

the chaos below, Bush looked out the tractor's window

and laughed, steering the massive machine into the spot where

most of the press corps had been positioned. The episode lasted

about a minute, and Bush was still laughing when he pulled to

a stop. He gave reporters a thumbs-up. "If you've never driven

a D-10, it's the coolest experience," Bush said afterward.

"So the idea that somehow I was trying to needle the Democrats,

it's just -- gosh, it's probably Texas. Who knows what it is?

But I'm not that good at pronouncing words anyway. So don't

go nucular when I say 'subliminable', OK?"

"I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this

town. And I'm sorry it's so low, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."

Meet Bill Yosses, the new White House Executive Pastry Chef.

Chief among his qualifications for the job, and the one that

made him feel right at home in the Bush White House,

was that he is the co-author of Desserts for Dummies.

Speaking of Barack Obama, Joe Biden says, “I mean, you

got the first mainstream African-American who is

articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.

I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” Is the Senator saying

Martin Luther King, Jr., wasn't in the mainstream, or that

he was inarticulate, dim, dirty, and bad-looking, or both?

President Bush Purchases Caterpillar D10T Dozer to Be Used

for Clearing Unfriendly Reporters from His Press Conferences

President Bush realized the dream of a lifetime

yesterday when he met the main character in

The Very Hungry Caterpillar, the children's book

he read when he was only 23.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth pigeons that may

fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven." And

God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply." And

they did.

What Judith Miller at first claimed was a WMD she found in

Iraq turned out to be nothing more than a venti-sized cup

of Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte she was carrying in her

left hand as she was being escorted into the courtroom to

testify in the trial of Scooter Libby.

If it turns out there is an afterworld, the following Senators,

who oppose raising the minimum wage, should be paid

$5.50 an hour to flagellate themselves to all eternity: Richard

Burr (R-NC), Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), Tom Coburn (R-OK),

Jim DeMint (R-SC), John Ensign (R-NV), Judd Gregg (R-NH),

James Inhofe (R-OK), Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Jon Kyl (R-AZ),

and David Vitter (R-LA).

Wrestler Attempting to Climb Out of Afghanistan

Be honest. If a blue-and-white ball started orbiting around

your head, you would be just as apprehensive as Adriano.

Scooter Libby's blood is in the water,

and the sharks are circling.

Invasion of the Trash People

Starring Mark Levin as “Dempster” and Sean Hannity as

“Dumpster”

Special Guest Appearance by Rush Limbaugh

as “Landfill”

Produced by Rupert Murdoch and

Directed by David Horowitz

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

“Do you remember when we made Jenna and Not-Jenna? We really

fucked up that night, didn’t we?”

Monitor Mausoleum

A sadhu renounces pleasure, wealth and power, even duty.

But not, apparently, vanity.

If you have ever wondered where a sadhu gets the ashes

he rubs all over his body, wonder no more.

Plastic Man won the swim race without ever getting wet.

Doesn't it seem like Ari Fleischer has put on a lot of

weight since he left the White House in 2003?

Has he become even fuller of shit than he was when

he served as President Bush's press secretary?

"If you've ever wondered why I revere David Broder, it's his

work ethic--and not just his kindness, civility, judiciousness,

and institutional memory. Don't ask me what 'institutional

memory'means, because, unlike David, I'm way too lazy

to look it up."

"Osama bin Laden believes," says Dinesh D'Souza, "that the United

States represents the pagan depravity that Muslims have a duty to

resist. I have to agree with him on this point, because I, too, as a

devout Christian, have a duty to resist pagan depravity. And, what,

you ask, is 'pagan depravity'? Well, it all boils down to sex: abortion

rights, condoms for unmarried girls, and liberalized laws regarding

homosexuality. Don't you see how this caused the destruction of the

World Trade Center on September 11, 2001? Isn't it as plain and

simple as the sweater I'm wearing?"

New Southern African Shark Species to Be Named

Dickheadus Cheneyensis; Resemblance to Well-Known

Republican Prick Said to Be 'Uncanny'

"Hey, don't slaughter us! We were just bullshitting when

we called in sick with the flu. All we had was a hangover

and needed to burn some sick leave. Honest!"

This Belarusian is thinking the voter's eternal question:

"Why is it always a choice between the evil of two lessers?"

Haute Couture Burqa

Said Oscar Wilde, "Fashion is a form of ugliness so

intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

This outfit, for instance, could be called, 'If a Killer

Tomato Attacks, Surrender Unconditionally'.

Jacques Chirac graciously kissed Condi Rice's hand,

not knowing

the drastic effect it would have on her.

You've probably always thought Jack Lint was behind

the mask in the Information Retrieval Room in Brazil.

Well, that's not so. Behind the mask was

our very own Attorney-General, Alberto Gonzales.

Freeper Counterprotest in Nation's Capital Features

Man with Twin Living Inside Him

Baghdad Merchant Says "Pardon Our Dust!"

While His Store Undergoes 'Reconstruction'

Prince Charles Speaking at Ceremony After

Receiving 'Handsome Devil' Award

Mother of All Earmarks Looking Forward to

the Year of the Pig

"Joe Lieberman says he's open to supporting a Democrat,

Republican, Borg, Andorian, or even an Independent for

President in 2008. Sounds like he's our kind of humanoid."

"The reaction to my new book, The Enemy at Home," says

Dinesh D'Souza, "has felt, well, a little hysterical. Not that I

have a womb, you understand, but I'm quite empathetic

because I've always wanted to go back."

John McCain and Joe Lieberman Re-Enacting the

Nazi-Soviet Non-Aggression Pact of 1939

Is it accidental that bayonet sheaths are red?

Do you know this neoconservative creep? No?

Well, James Woolsey doesn't know you, either.

And for that you should give thanks to whoever

or whatever you give thanks to.

James Seale's worst nightmare finally came true

when he was escorted to justice by a black man.

South Africa's Jacob Zuma Gettin' Fawnky

Anni Friesinger Wins Gold Medal in Sprint Skating,

Gives Birth to Teddy Bear

What President Bush has done to our flag is almost enough

to make an American support a law against flag desecration.

Almost.

When he was President Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer

was Mr. Reticent. Now that he has received prosecutorial

immunity, Ari is Mr. Blabbermouth.

Kate O'Beirne, Mona Charen, Kathryn Lopez,

Michelle Malkin, Laura Ingraham:

The Good Housekeeping Gang

When you speak of 'Indian wrestling', these are the

guys who do it for a living.

If the manufacturer of the new Idom condom would

include some reefer, the customer could get sex,

drugs, and rock-and-roll all in one package.

If you missed the first official Porn and Pancakes event on

December 2, 2006 at Ada Bible Church in Grand Rapids,

Michigan (attended by over 540 men), the next PAP event

is scheduled for the Living Word Church in Ontario,

New York, on February 10, 2007. You can buy your tickets

online for $8, which includes all the pancakes you can

eat and all the porn you can battle.