After he's had a few beers with the guys, Sean Hannity will tell

you the only reason he gives a damn about chicks like Debbie

Schlussel is that he's a breast man, not a thigh man.

"Tell me, Billy, do you think I have a snowball's chance

in Hell of going to Heaven?"

Friends of his from Texas were shocked recently to find the

President nearly wild-eyed, thumping himself on the chest

three times while he repeated 'Me Tarzan, you Jane!'

"Say what you will, but I would much rather be a

pig-on-a-leash than a sausage-on-a-stick."

"Would you mind telling this committee, Admiral Fallon,

how your many years sailing the ocean blue prepared you

to fight a war in the deserts of Iraq and Afghanistan? And

while you're at it, you might explain whether your facial

expression at this moment means you are ready to bite

someone's head off or you just need to piddle."

"But do you understand, Senator McCain, what the NewYork Times wants, and the far-left want? They want to breakdown the white, Christian, male power structure, which you'rea part of, and soam I, and they want to bring in millionsof foreign nationals to basically break down the structurethat we have. We've simply got to put a cap on the numberof Keith Olbermann fans allowed to enter this country!"

Monica Goodling Granted Immunity From Prosecution

Under Blonde Jokes Statute

Just moments after this picture was taken, Ken Ham,

founder of the Creation Museum, was mistaken for

a turnip and swallowed whole by an Apatosaurus.

After almost forty years, John Cleese has finally

been brought to justice for shooting a cheese

shop owner in the head.

There are two conflicting interpretations of this picture.

Creationists say it is Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Evolutionists say it is Charles Darwin and a fair maiden

in the Galapagos Islands.

Senator Lieberman Buys Rose-Colored Glasses in Baghdad Market,

Says "What I see here today is progress, significant progress"

"I keep having this pain here in the eastern hemisphere of

my brain. I think I must be suffering from an old war wound."

Fred Thompson Launches Presidential Campaign;

It Returns to Earth As TV Land Re-Run

Cluster of Concord Grapes Escapes From Mogen David Winery

The cicada had waited patiently 17 years for its chance to prove

it was the most efficient and loudest sound-producing insect

in the world.

Flagwaver Leads One-Man Parade

Squidward Identified as One of the Conservative Religious

Leaders Who Secretly Visited Vice President Cheney at His

Official Residence at the Bottom of the Sargasso Sea

As can be plainly seen, George Washington stands

head and shoulders above George Bush.

Fearless Chicks Prove Tigers Are Real Pussies

Platform Diver

(Embryo Stage)

Chickenman Struck Down by Bird Flu

When Mao returned, the first thing he wanted to know

was why the spelling of his last name had been changed

from Tse-Tung to Zedong.

Captain America Jilted by Miss USA

City of the Dead Powered by Atoms for Peace

"The question was, 'Why didn't the President appoint as the

new head of the World Bank someone who looks like the average

Joe with a last name easy to spell, like Smith, Jones, or Johnson'?

Well, I'm afraid you'll just have to ask him."

"Yes, I'm exiting from the antiwar stage. But don't you think

for a moment Cindy Sheehan wasn't one of the pioneers

who helped lead America up from the lowland of war

toward the highland of peace. Got that, Bushlicker?"

"See the guy over there with all the gray hair and glasses?

That's Richard Cohen, columnist for the Washington Post.

He's the one, you remember, who said you are a 'neoliberal'

and a 'sentimental softie'. Pardon my French, Mr. President,

but I know a douchebag when I see one."

Kissing is difficult for parrots

and polar bears,

because they don't have lips like Angelina Jolie.

Baghdad Police Commandos Marching to a Tune by the Village People

If you can't hear what this guy is screaming about

the Iraq War, you must have pushed the Mute button

on your remote.

“God has spoken to me,” Tom DeLay says. “I listen to God, and what

I’ve heard is that I’m supposed to devote myself to rebuilding the

conservative base of the Republican Party before every living thing

is destroyed by the Great Democratic Flood.”

"Yep, Grandpappy, them durn gas prices are skyrocketing

all over the place!"

CAT Scan Proves Leopard Is Member of Feline Family

No doubt about it. It's Mika Kano, whose latest hit is

'Osusowake - Purupurun no kyu no bon', a song whose

title translates into English as 'Wobbly Tits, Tiny Waist

and Bouncy Hips, Let's Share Them All Around'.

Cheese Lovers Go Arse Over Tits in Pursuit of

Seven-Pound Wheel of Double Glouchester

German Riot Police Brace for Demonstration of Affection

Wingnut Watchdog Barks Up Wrong Tree Again;

Owner Admits: "This old bitch is gone in the teeth."

"So what if Stoicism makes you level-headed and unbiased!

I still think Existentialism makes me more authentic!"

A slump in the landscaping market has left

many garden gnomes unemployed.

World's Worst Jobs #42

Indonesian River Skimmer

He got so sick and tired hearing people use the cliche

"step up to the plate," Frank Thomas decided to take

action. So he stepped up to the plate and just stood

there, glaring at the crowd with a look of withering

contempt.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Dick thought, "your applause for

my commencement address here at West Point is about

as genuine as this kewpie doll you gave me for winning

Tip the Tombstone, a fucking carnival game!"

Nightmare in Black and White

Drudge Report Funnies #6

"Medical experiments to be done without patients' consent..."

For some unknown reason, the Israeli border policemen

broke into song, performing a chorus of 'Y. M. C. A.'

"Pssst, buddy! The word on the street is 'Vote for Rudy

McRomney'. Pass it along."

His GPS having malfunctioned, the soldier realized too late

he had invaded New York City.

Iraq War Memorial