"Yes, I suppose we could elevate the level of

political discourse if we really wanted to. But,

if I may speak frankly, it wouldn't be nearly as

much fun as hanging out and beating our

enemies to a bloody pulp."

"OK, we agree: I'm a dog and you're a pig. That being said,

could we now start elevating the level of our political

discourse just a bit?"

Women Condemn Decision of Federal Reserve Board to Maintain

Current Interest Rates on Loans from National Sperm Bank; Leaders

Claim Action Designed to Protect Obsolescent ReproductiveTechnology

Sawtooth Shark Charged with Vandalizing

University of Texas Logo

Hindu Holy Man Proclaims New 'Cricket Path' to Moksha

"'I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high;Will you rest upon my little bed?' said the Spider to the Fly."

Howard Kurtz has one of those grins that

makes you appreciate a straight face.

"Hugo, baby, do you know where I could get my hands

on some petrol--and quick? This rationing shit is a

real pain in the gas!"

World's Worst Yobs #14

Tucker Carlson

The Spice Girls are Posh, Sporty, Ginger, Baby,

Scary, and Easy Virtue (not shown).

Were it not for the gutter, Ann Coulter

would be homeless.

"You're such a spaz, George! You've hooked another

one of those goddamn Flying Wallendas."

Big-Game Hunter Bags Elusive iPhone on Fifth Avenue

"Is it my fault that when I was born, Barb pulled a

Joker out of the deck, instead of an Ace?"

Veepenstein #11

The Baron's Fairy Godmother

"A lot of us worked hard to see if we couldn't find a common

ground on the Flabbergasterisk issue. It didn't work."

God Shows His Solidarity with All His Gay and Lesbian

Brothers and Sisters

On your next trip to Honolulu, be sure to check out

the 'Spam in the A.M.' at Burger King.

Some had questioned the wisdom of their marriage,

since he was 56, she only 29.

"No tongue, Sarko, no tongue!"

Once the German Chancellor established her legendary

eye-lock, the French Prime Minister didn't have a chance.

"Justice Roberts, you and your conservative colleagues on the Court

sure tore a new asshole in Brown v. Board today. Next thing you know,

you'll be receiving the Orval Faubus Award for School Resegregation."

When Jesus saw the cross hanging from Ann Coulter's

neck, He realized He had died in vain and vowed to

never come again.

Ted Klaudt, the former South Dakota Republican state representative

indicted on four counts of second-degree rape, has also been charged

with impersonating a hot-air balloon and looking large without a permit.

"You need to speak to whom? 28301-016? Oh,

he's right here. Hold just a moment, and I'll

put him on."

"No need to get excited, children. It's just another one

of those two-legged water striders."

The entire first printing of the Gerald Ford commemorative

issue has been scrapped. It seems the adhesive had been put

on the wrong side of the stamp.

NBC's David Gregory says if you strip away her inflammatory

rhetoric, the point Ann Coulter is trying to make about John

Edwards is that "he has been disingenuous about the size of

his tallywhacker."

President Bush sent a shockwave through the nation

yesterday when he announced he had converted to

Islam and is moving to Saudi Arabia.

National Anticrime Force Unveils Secret Weapon

to Root Out Illegal Drugs in Rio de Janeiro

Carlos and Jorge Joined Forces in a Futile Attempt

to Escape the Pull of Planet Soccer

Paris Hilton Reunited with Her Reflection

After Three-Week Hiatus

Congratulations! An anonymous donor has just given you a

wax figure of Deng Xiaoping and a Hongqi limousine. Do you

have any idea where would you like to put them?

Veepenstein #10

When the Baron needs someone to vivisect the Constitution,

he calls on David Addington, who is also credited with being

the butt of the world's first 'lawyer joke'.

"Tell me, Monsieur Governator, when you hear someone shout,

'Sarko the Giant Rules!', doesn't it remind you of the Predator?"

Great Misadventures in Science #2

Stepford Wife Becomes First Lady

Michael Sandle's 'Iraq Triptych',

AKA 'Tony and Cherie Being Expelled from

10 Downing Street for Eating the Burning Bush'

Tony Blair has scarcely left office, and he is already

becoming just one more page in the history books.

Tony Blair's last official act as Prime Minister of Great

Britain was a tiny burp, followed by "Pardon me."

Predictably, no one said, "You're pardoned."

When Tony Blair left 10 Downing Street for the last time,

observers noted how close he has come to invisibility.

"Some people have criticized me for having Adolf Hitler

on Hardball. Say what you will, he's hot and he sells books,

just like Ann Coulter.”

Every time Manuel Quiroz sees Ann Coulter's face on TV,

he punishes himself by squeezing habanero pepper juice

into his eyes.

World's Worst Yobs #13

Grover Norquist

"Oh won't you put that down and take me, I'm yours

When will we have this chance again

Oh please just put that down and take me, I'm yours."

Veepenstein #9

The Baron's cardiovascular condition requires him to

watch what he eats. Following his doctor's advice, he

is now on the Bubble-Bubble-Toil-and-Trouble Diet.

“If I’m going to say anything about John Edwards in the future,

I’ll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot.

And I'm sure if it happens, I will be invited to narrate the event,

right here on Good Morning America.”

If you point and click, here are the possible outcomes:

(1) Fred Thompson will be elected President in 2008;

(2) Fred Thompson will be vaporized by an alien from

Mars Attacks!; or (3) the image will be enlarged. Are

you a gambler? Does risk make you salivate? Well,

click if you dare. Otherwise, move along, poltroon!

John McCain's Quest for the White House Sinks Deeper

and Deeper Into the Iraq War Quagmire

"I still remember the time I was sniffed in

The Situation Room by Wolf Blitzer. That's

when I started losing my hair."