George Bush Trounces Al Gore Again, Wins Coveted

Golden Duke Award

If you like the outdoors, drinking, and fondling firearms--but

not hunting--maybe you should consider becoming a biathlete.

Lord Black of Crossharbour Sentenced to 6 1/2 Years

of Writing on the Walls of His Prison Cell,

"I Wipe My Ass with the Daily Telegraph!"

In Germany, the pig is a traditional symbol of good luck

at the beginning of a new year. Kissing a pig will bring

you even better luck, but it has to be on the mouth.

"My only New Year's Resolution is to do my best to reach

maturity without becoming Eel Florentine on Pinch

Sulzberger's table."

"O Lord, how thankful I am my last name isn't

Coonrod, Lipschitz, Pujol, Sidebottom, or Cocks."

Old Year Greets the New

Rudy Giuliani Wins Benito Mussolini

Lookalike Contest for 2007

Boy Detained for Plucking Last Blade of Grass in Afghanistan

As the Apostle Paul said, "Faith cometh by hearing."

That's why atheists wear earplugs.

Generally speaking, zebras tend to think in terms of black

and white. But ever so often, there comes along a zebra who

is capable of thinking in terms of the whiter shades of pale

and the paler shades of white. Such a zebra wonders about

Heidegger's concept of 'Geworfenheit', which leads it to ask:

"Why was I thrown into the world as just another zebra

instead of a magnificent thoroughbred and a Triple

Crown winner like Secretariat?"

Get the New York Times delivered to your doorstep for only

$6.40 a week. But there are two good reasons to leave it there:

first, it's the bad acid you've been warned about, and second,

it will make your neighbors think you are so rich you can afford

to take really long trips.

There are days when even 'the still small voice' is way too loud.

Things to Avoid #13

Rickshaw Pullers Who Enjoy Singing in the Rain

"Are They That Afraid Of Bill Kristol?" asks Ed Morrissey.

No, but they are that afraid of someone who says, "Oh,

my stars and garters!"

Buffalo at Play in Mickey Kaus' Favorite Watering Hole

The Politico Illustrated #4

"Huck feels the heat"

Hearing-Impaired Gay Scoutmaster

"We have views on our Op-Ed page," writes Andrew Rosenthal,

"that are as hawkish or more so than Bill Kristol's. Take the

views of Swainson Hawke, for instance."

"Don't believe a word of what Mike Huckabee says about how

good squirrel chili is. Take it from me: it will harden your

arteries and soften your wedding tackle!"

"We are thrilled to add Bill Kristol’s distinctive voice to our

Op-Ed page,” said Andrew Rosenthal, editorial page editor

of the New York Times. "He is a captivating writer, a keen

observer of the political landscape, and an even better

speller than I was in the third grade."

"I'm thrilled to announce I have been hired by the

New York Times, an irredeemably second-rate

newspaper which should be prosecuted by the

Justice Department for gratuitously revealing

classified information."

Drudge Report Funnies #14

"Pope orders exorcism squads; tackle rise of Satanic streakers..."

A ДВАДЦАТЬ of Putins

World's Worst Yoobs #9

Pat Santy

Next Week on The History Channel

"The Most Unforgettable Character I Never Met:

Fearguth Reminisces About His Imaginary Encounters

with Benazir Bhutto, Daughter of Destiny"

Did you know 'Corpse Harvesting' now constitutes 50% of

Iraq's GDP? 'Corpse Planting' constitutes the other half.

The View from Ron Paul's Blimp After It Accidentally Strayed Off Course

Drudgery Report #4

Patrolling Oral Roberts University would be drudgery.

"I'll let you in on a little secret, Mr. President.

I'm crazier than a fish with titties!"

Is Nawaz Sharif the only thing left standing between

total collapse and utter catastrophe in Pakistan?

Fred Thompson's Road to the White House

Fearguth's Rules of Order #5

Wait until a monkey finishes its popsicle before

asking for an autograph.

"Playing with Toy Weapons 'Aids Learning'," Says the

Department for Children, Schools, and Families

It was her wedding day, and her husband had already lost interest.

Cow Jumps Over Moon, Lands Hard

Mike Huckabee, Gunhugger

"Let me outta here! I'm not a cat burglar! I'm a cat blogger!"

NRA Missionaries in Iran

"Is that you, Mama?"

Jackson and Dave, Dick Cheney's Dogs of War,

Awaiting Orders to Stabilize Pakistan

Jon Swift has finally published 'Best Blog Posts of 1707',

shattering the old record for delayed publication previously

held by Jonah Goldberg.

Two Ways to Smoke a Camel

#1

#2

Chris Matthews asks: "Does he have sex appeal? Can you

smell the English Leather on this guy, the Aqua Velva,

the sort of mature man's shaving cream, or whatever,

you know, after he shaved?"

On their return trip home, the Three Wise Men took a

wrong turn and ended up in Portugal.

Joe Klein could blame his deficiencies as a journalist on the

fact that his wife, Victoria, is a witch. But we all know that

belief in witches began to go out of fashion in the 18th century.

So, it seems Joe will have to find a more modern excuse, like,

for instance, "I write for Time magazine."

Tiger Escapes from ExxonMobil Zoo,

Wreaks Havoc Worldwide

"The Clutching Hand says 'Our most basic

civil liberty is the right to be kept alive'."

"I agree!"

"So do I!"

"Me, too!"

"It definitely has the ring of truth!"

"Absolutely!"

"Yeah, it's even more soul-stirring than 'Better Red Than Dead'!"

"Sorry, guys, but I'm so moved I'm about to shed

my first crocodile tear!"

Blank Slate #5

Top Stories from December 26, 2007

"There Will Be Oscars"

"A Brief History of the Yule Log"

"Stop Picking on Kwanzaa"

"Why Doesn't Anyone Read Dante's Paradiso?

"Why Giuliani Can Never Get a Cab in New York"

"My Brief Career As a Drag Queen"